This week I had my first of six chemo treatments. Sitting in the chair as the nurse inserted the needle into my vein, I began to cry. I am about to inject large amounts of chemicals into my body in order to heal something I don’t even feel. I don’t feel ill. I don’t feel sick. I feel healthy, normal, and yet, I must go through this process because at the cellular level, there is an illness that will take over if I don’t act fast.
As the chemo worked it’s way through my body for the next couple of days, I tried really hard to battle the side effects. The extreme fatigue that does not go away with sleep, the muscle pain, the bone pains in my hips and back, the rawness of my gums. With each attempt to resist and fight back, my heart sinks in this losing battle. There’s simply no way I can win the battle against the shitty side effects, it is all part of the process to win the bigger fight against cancer.
There is only one thing I can do, surrender. Surrender to the fact that none of this makes sense. Surrender to the physical pain the treatment leaves my body in. Surrender to turbulent emotions which is tied to how my body feels. Surrender, as this is a marathon, not a sprint. Surrender to the process. This too shall pass.
Unwritten 