Recovery – Unwritten

Today marks 4 years since my diagnosis. 4 years feels fast and slow at the same time. Fast because I’m one year away from 5 years in remission (less probability of recurrence), slow because since then there has been so much ups and downs…. Picking up the pieces of what’s left in the aftermath was a lot more difficult than I ever expected.

I recently came across someone saying that if you must refer to cancer as something… it is more like a war (vs. commonly called a fight) and I wholeheartedly agree. Here’s why – no one really wins in a war… there’s a lot of pain, suffering, collateral damage and death. Be it family, friends, pets, colleagues, all can feel the impact of this person’s hardship as they grapple with cancer & treatment. For many, there are also various long term physical, physiological and/or psychological trauma that’s left behind, whatever the outcome may be.

For the past few years, I did not recognize myself in the mirror. I’d see a shell of me on the outside, and broken pieces on the inside. I felt exhausted emotionally and physically. I’d ask myself – Will I feel joy again? What was the point of exercising? Does it even matter? What I realized (with the help of therapy), is that I needed time and space to grieve what was lost. In this case, I felt like I lost myself. The parts which I thought made me who I am – healthy, active, energetic, motivated, optimistic, happy… felt foreign and broken. All through 2020, I was running at full speed towards various treatments (while dodging COVID), with one goal in mind – to complete all the treatments and put an end to this nightmarish chapter of my life. I didn’t have time to process and grieve (nor did I know that’s what I needed), it was roll up your sleeves and get it done. When the treatments came to an end, I felt lost. What happens now?

Well, it turns out, a lot of things happens now. From meds, scans, scares, specialists, oh and ridiculousness from insurance companies (they’re the worst!)… there’s a lot. It took 3 years, for everything to settle down…. No more surprises at the specialists (fingers crossed…. they weren’t major, but every thing added on to the big pile of stuff I was still working through). It was only in the past year, I found the space to heal and begin to discover who I am. I attribute a lot of my healing journey to Pilates. What started off as being short lazy home exercises to improve my golf game, became a challenge of how much I can push myself in a reformer class. I was hooked after the first class. This was the beginning of my physical and mental transformation. Week by week, I felt a little stronger, the fog in my head felt clearer and the pieces that felt broken started becoming whole again. Without knowing, this was exactly what I needed.

It’s been a long time coming, I feel I have finally made it to a place where I am at peace with all that has happened. Looking in the mirror, I can see who I have become and where I am going. I am a better version of me. I show others more kindness (everyone is dealing with shit in their lives – not just you), I show up more for people I care for, and I value spending time with quality people creating memories. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, choose how you spend your time wisely. Treat others with kindness, love and respect. When it all ends, what we will be remembered for is how we made them feel.

Me writing this blog.
*Photo Credit: Rom*

It’s time to count down to the final 2 sessions of chemotherapy. Tomorrow will be my 5th round (of 6), making the “finish line” feel that much closer. (I put “finish line” in quotations as chemo is really part 1 of 4, in terms of treatment plan.) But I also believe this is the toughest part on my body and mind, so I am really looking forward to being done with this. I can see the “finish line”, it feels SO close but so far at the same time. Just like any race, I just need to keep my head down, curse lots and focus on getting to the end. Eye on the prize. With that, here are some FAQs on my status:

How are you feeling?

The first week is always shitty, but after that I feel pretty good. Although sometimes I catch myself thinking if “good” is the right description, but I’m feeling mentally and emotionally good. I continue to find it difficult to accept the physical changes (see my last post) and wonder if there was anything that I did “wrong” that led to increased muscle fatigue. Hopefully with the nicer weather, I will be able to slowly start more physical activities outdoors and rebuilt strength that I have loss.

Is the chemo working?

YES! In my last exam with my oncologist, she was not able to physically feel the tumour! Really hoping that by the time of the surgery, all the cancer will have been melted away.

Does that mean you can be done early?

No, not quite. Even though the tumour feels like it is gone, the treatment plan remains the same. After my last chemo session, I will be meeting the surgeon to discuss the surgery. The surgery will take place at least 3 weeks after my last chemo, in order for my body to recover to be strong enough for the surgery. After the surgery will be 4-6 weeks of daily radiation on the area.

What have you been doing in your spare time?

I’m actually working part-time from Toronto. Being able to work has been a blessing. I am able to keep up to date with what is happening in Asia, connect with colleagues in Toronto, and keep my mind stimulated and active. There are days where it takes longer for my brain to process information and drafting a simple email is tough. (I stare at the screen knowing what I want to say, but the words that I type don’t quite make sense.) But that slowly goes away with each day that I do work. The “chemo brain” fades away, day by day, and then it disappears and I forget it was even there.

Where is Bao and how is he?

Bao is LOVING his life in Singapore. We decided that it would be too difficult for him to have to go through another 10-day quarantine if he left Singapore and had to return. I am so grateful that he is watched by an amazing family and has other dog “friends” to hang out with. He will definitely struggle when he has to go back to his old routine with us.